The Wilderness

I know it seems every post I have made lately is depressing. Well, I am one honest dude. And it seems as though this blog is my best release of tension, request of prayer, and outlet for my emotions.

I have never been more miserable in my life...emotionally and spiritually. That's it...plain and simple. I have too many important responsibilities to feel this way...I am a single parent with two small children who depend on me for everything. I facilitate an amazing small group on Sunday mornings where God is truly working. I have a new career I am trying to get off the ground. Still, when I don't have those responsibilities in front of me I sink deep into thought and lay motionless on my couch.

I told my small group yesterday morning how I am going through a "wilderness" experience. I told them to trust God and walk through that wilderness; don't lie down and throw a pity party. I told them God wants us to let go of self and hold on to Him when we are in the wilderness so we can do that when we get out of the wilderness. I told them that we should "limp away" from our wilderness experience just as Jacob did from his wrestling match with God when God re-named him Israel. I told them all of this...truth from God's word.

Yet, on Monday I am so scared to let go and trust God with my future. Why? Has He not proved Himself trustworthy in my life? Of course He has. But right now I am at a point where it's either trust Him or take matters into my own hands. The latter has never worked out for me. Why would it work now? It wouldn't.

So, I must trust that God is in control...even when it seems like He is not. I have to trust that He put me in this job for a reason. I have to trust that my children will be alright in the long run if I put them in His hands and leave them there. I have to trust Him while I am in the wilderness trying to heal from everything that I have gone through in the last 2 years. I have to trust that He will be waiting for me on the other side of the wilderness and that He is with me even now while I am in it.

I do know one thing for sure. He has led me to the wilderness. He has led me to what John of the Cross called "the dark night of the soul." My quiet times that were once exhilarating have lost their luster. God has virtually become silent to me. I can see His activity around me in our small group, our church body, and my children's lives. But the activity between God and I personally has basically come to a screeching halt. And as I said yesterday to my small group..."When God leads you into those wilderness times in life you have to walk through it, hold on to God, and limp away a changed person, forever." It is just as true today as it was yesterday. I know.

Psalm 34:18

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Wow, I needed that.

Decisions, Decisions

Making decisions can be extremely hard...especially big decisions. Some people can make a decision in a split second and live with that decision. I, on the other hand, have to pray, ponder, pray some more, ponder some more, ask for advice from people I trust, and then pray some more. Sounds ridiculous...I know.

It is actually great to pray about big decisions. God does care about the big decisions we face. However, at some point you have to trust where His spirit is leading you. Sometimes He leads you into a very hard decision. That is where I find myself now. In doing what I believe I had to do for the best of everyone involved, I am left with a troubled heart. Does that mean I made the wrong choice? No. It is a natural development. Therefore, for those that have stumbled upon this blog I ask for your prayers that God's strength will be made perfect in my weakness.

Always seek the Lord in all decisions; big and small. He cares about your every need. Have a blessed day.